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Losing My Religion

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I don't know if you heard, but the pope died yesterday.

Since then I've been reading a lot of people's opinions on the internets, and I'm surprised at how bitter people are. I don't disagree with most of the sentiment, but the vitriol is pretty high.

For no particular reason, I thought I'd share my own story. Growing up, I was indoctrinated into the church as part of my schooling; other than my sophomore year of college my entire education was through Catholic school. Between my overbearing 150% Catholic grandmother and strict disciplinarian father, staying in line at school was a cakewalk, at least in my early years before I developed a mouth.

My earliest memories are of my first grade teacher, Sister Lillian, lining us up around the edges of a classroom according to how smart she thought we were. If memory serves, I was in the first five seats - I think was the first boy after a couple of the girls.

My buddy Farmer Bob was at the back of the line, which put him in the back corner of the room with the kid who ate paste. This was primarily because he was a sloppy colorer who colored outside the lines and didn't use the right colors. Farmer Bob is also color blind, and will be celebrating his 15th year at Microsoft soon. Obviously Sister Lillian's judgement was a bit off.

(I also remember Sister Lillian chastising me for not eating the crust of my sandwich, saying "Eat your crust! It will make the girls chase you." Oh, to have those piles of crust today...)

I first remember having qualms about religion at an early age. We would go to church every Sunday and it was always the same thing. I'd be getting ready for church as I listened to my parents bicker about god knows what. They'd continue to argue all the way to the church parking lot, then when we got out of the car we magically became Pious Family. During mass my dad would come back from communion, put his head in his hands and pray. And then, unfailingly, we'd get back in the car and they'd pick up exactly where they left off.  This to me seemed strange, even at 10 years old.

I also vividly recall the first time a woman came to Saturday night mass in shorts. You'd have thought it was Vatican III or something. Forget the fact that it was 90 degrees out and my parents had just been bitching about my relatives or something...YOU DON'T WEAR SHORTS TO CHURCH.

This was my first experience with what is now commonly referred to as "Cafeteria Catholicism". The usual definition is that people pick and choose what they want to believe in the teachings of the church, but there's another subtle thing that no one talks about, which is that everyone thinks their own cafeteria is best and anyone who doesn't belong to their cafeteria isn't a "good Catholic".

My college years were probably the height of my faith. I went to mass every Sunday night (partly to check out the girls). I participated in retreats and other activities, and in general enjoyed it.

The priests at my school were Jesuits. They were very laid back and encouraged us to believe in whatever way we wanted to believe. If asked, they would of course always give the opinion of the church, but I think the fact that they were surrounded by college kids made them well aware of how "normal" people behave. It was very easy to "believe", because no one told me what I had to believe; the interpretation was left to me. Plus, we could wear shorts to church.

It's when I got back from college that things things went down hill. After being out of the loop for four years, coming back what a shock. A group at our local church was trying to change mass to pre-Vatican II, which means they wanted the priest to do mass with his back to the congregation...and entirely in Latin. Fast forwarding to today, you can't really be a Catholic without getting into a discussion on abortion, the death penalty, birth control, or recently stell cell research, as if that's all that matters.

Here's the deal. I don't believe that a woman who has been raped and/or will die if she carries to term should be forced to give birth under the pressure of eternal damnation, I don't think a civilized society executes it's own people, I think birth control is perfectly acceptable and stem cell research is a great thing.

Are there contradictions in those statements? Possibly. Is this an idealist view of the world? Probably.

At the same time, priests have been sexually abusing young boys and having relationships with women in secret, and that seems to be ok. This is an institution that revolves around - many say revels in - punishment, yet none of their own ever get punished.

Does that make me a cafeteria Catholic? Definitely.

Fortunately my cafeteria is a pretty damned large one. My cafeteria believes in loving your neighbor as you would yourself, the Good Samaritan, and the Beatitudes:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,     For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn,     For they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek,     For they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,     For they shall be filled.

Blessed are the merciful,     For they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart,     For they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers,     For they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake,     For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake.

Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

My cafeteria thinks that, as opposed to today in the US where victims get up in court and tell the accuser how much they hate the accused and hope they burn in hell, Pope John Paul going to his assassin in jail and forgiving him showed more courage than those people will ever be able to summon.

I am a Lapsed Catholic of the First Order. When the pope was in "grave" condition on Friday I was very cycnical, but watching all the people fill St Peter's Square and the square outside his old church in Krakow was enough to even touch me. But I don't think I felt the way I did for the same reason as everyone else.

As I watched the scene that played out and contemplated that there are 1.2 billion people under this person's leadership, the thing that kept coming to me was how it's really too bad that the only time these people seem to agree on anything is on Christmas, Easter and when the pope dies. If your could focus all these people on actually doing good in the world that would make one hell of an impact.

I often think about going back - going to church, etc. I even thought of heading to St James Cathedral here in Seattle this weekend. But then I think about the church's unbelievable hypocrisy, how it condones immorality within its own ranks while at the same time telling me that someone's stance on a handful of social issues are more than all the other great teachings, how they would see their own flock die before telling them it's ok to wear a condom to prevent AIDS, and above all else, that it's their way or the highway.

Well, if that's the case I have no choice but to choose the highway.

I may someday return, but not until I see a change. And if I die and it turns out that there is, contrary to all logical thought, life after death, I'm 100% confident that when I stand at the gates of heaven St Peter will be there and say

"I understand, my child. You are forgiven. Welcome. Go now, find your family and friends."

Amen.


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